a strange 19th birthday dream

today is March 7, my 19th birthday
and i got a strange dream as a gift...

"Dreams are fulfillment of our unfulfilled wishes"
~Sigmund Freud

i'm not sure if that's the exact words but..
i think its true...

i went home late last night
from dyxpg...
our youth fellowship,
last night's message was about letting go of our
frustrations, regrets and forgiving...
i was so happy ..
it was a different feeling..
and last night i decided to give it all to God...
everything, even my life.

then i went home and ate a full dinner
and explained why i had a rose...
well my explanation can't quite convince my mom...

then i fell asleep...
the place was so full of light

i was with someone
i never thought i'd be with.
it was strange,
we were so close
and we were talking about a proposal
at one moment i was sure we're talking about
a project proposal
but then at the other minute..
it was something else..
then everything just froze
when that person turned to me
and looked at me..

it was strange...
so strange..
then we went home,
to my home.

we turned on the lights
and my mom was there and my dad too.

then i heard my mother say
"tanghali n gumising ka n..."

when i opened my eyes
there's a background song of praise
in my head and i was singing
"singing holy holy holy"...


maybe it was God's way of telling me
to let go of my frustration...
to let go of that one person i liked the most.

although i can look at him in the eyes now...
maybe i haven't really released him

Ate rose was right last night...
sometimes we think that we already forgot and moved on
but if there's still a seed left in our hearts
it will eventually grow back.

maybe i have told myself many times
that it's alright, that i lost..
that i had let go
but probably, my subconcious still haven't forgotten

that person was one of my greatest regrets
that there's no way that we could be together
that our paths never crossed.
that he never sees me.

i had to let go..
and i thought i did..
but now i'm back to square one...

i cannot do this alone.
so help me, God.